martes, 10 de septiembre de 2019


Am I going crazy? Have I gone completely nuts? What is happening? Am I hungry?
I need to run away, físicamente, moverme, salir corriendo.
I have this sensation in the middle of my stomach, like an emptiness. It makes me want to scream, cry, sleep, run, jump, all at the same time.
My heart is racing, I have 10,000 ideas not connected to one another coming at me at the same time.
I'm choking in a scream, I'm in panic mode.
I'm trying, really trying to calm down, to get to the root of it. Im trying to understand what is happening, what is causing all these symptoms.
I know I'm tired and stressed, I'm also on my period, so my hormones are out of control, but that's not all. That's not it.
I'm sad, that too; but not completely sad. Im situationally sad, not soulfully sad.
My mom is leaving in a few days, winter is coming, days are shorter. It's getting colder.
My mom is leaving and once again I have to face winter, short days, duelos. On my own.
I know things are better, a lot better. I even enjoyed winter a little last time.
I am afraid all is going to go wrong again, I'm afraid I'm going to lose it again.
Depression is like this huge cloud on me, or more like something I keep under control, behind a door. I'm afftaid it will get bigger and get me again, take control of my life.
This is anxiety, the fear of it.
I'm not on a crisis, I am under control. I talk to my depression, I talk about my depression. I deal with it, every day. She is under control, not me. I'm not under her control.
This bitch, anxiety, ¡perra!
She tells me: "you will lose it, start running, go nuts, cry and scream. Everything is falling apart again, there is nothing you can do, this is it. You are dead".
Pero no, maldita, ¡no!
I already won, I survived, aquí estoy. 
Ya comí, me voy a bañar con agua tibia, maybe a bath would do the trick.
I'm going to bed soon, I will spend some more time with my mom. I will be sad because she is leaving, but that is okay.  I have warm winter clothes, I won't be cold.
I am better, I am in control.
Mi vida es mía, and with these final words i beat you:
Gracias vida porque tengo herramientas suficiente para superar todo lo que se avecina. Ya lo he hecho antes y gané.

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